Chapter 30

I took this photo the day before I left. Hair freshly cut... Beard and 'stache neatly trimmed. I expected it'd be the one of last times I'd be able to groom myself for 10 days, not wanting to take my electric razor with me and expecting creature comforts to be scarce and difficult to attain.

I remember taking this picture and all of the things that were running through my head. I thought about all of the difficult changes that I had been through in my 30th year of life; besides turning 30, I'd lost my mother and then lost my job. I thought about how I was soon to embark on a trip without someone there to take care of me for the first time in my life. I thought about how terrifying it would be to get to Peru only to find out that Albert, my travelling partner, missed his flight; I would be stuck alone in a foreign country. What would I do? I thought about how much I would change and grow. I prayed that I would come back as that thing that has eluded me all these years: a man.

Thirty was a year of profound changes in my life. South America was really just the climax and conclusion to a storied year that I will credit with finally ushering me into true adulthood. The story begins with the passing of my dear mother. Talking about it still makes me cry.

In the years leading up to that event, I was coasting. Throughout my childhood and young adulthood, I was full of promise, but devoid of ambition. This defined me. Maybe I felt content just simply being full of promise; like it was enough for me to simply be a question that would forever remain unanswered. What I've come to learn is that it was a defense mechanism. You see, had I chosen to be ambitious, it would have forced me to answer the question, and frankly, I was too terrified to know; too scared to find out that the promise was one I could not fulfill. And it was this that set the course of my life. I would spend it somewhere in the middle. Not poor and suffering, but not happy either; just happy that no one was worrying about my well-being and maintaning that status quo. If I made no effort to reach my potential, then it would never be known what I could have been.

I was devastated when my mother passed away. I was her baby; her youngest. Even in the final years before we lost her, as my body grew large, and eyes began to sag - as I began to show the signs of aging - when I saw her, she would still look at me with doe eyes like I was the baby in this picture of mom and me. At times, I hated her for it; I felt like she was holding me back -- keeping me from becoming a man. At other times, looking into her eyes, I was that baby again, as if no time had passed.

I remember standing at her bedside, her hand clutching mine; she couldn't speak because of the stroke she suffered, but despite the pain and fear she must have been experiencing, almost as if out of instinct, she looked me in my eyes with her big doe eyes, smiled and squeezed my hands. Even in her final moments, she could still find joy in looking at the face of her littlest one, now an aging man. It wasn't long after that that she was gone. I think in some way, that part of me left with her; the baby boy from the picture was gone too.

In her final moments, my mom gave me a gift: the inner strength, the courage and resolve that I have long sought. Since her passing, I found the strength I needed to leave behind the things that held me back, the resolve I needed to overcome life's difficulties like losing my job, and the courage I needed to pursue the adventure that I seek; I credit it to her. In fact, in my mind, on some level, it is a tribute to her.

It has been a process. There was a lot of back and forth before I finally got the nerve to commit to going to Peru with Albert. In fact, we did not actually purchase the ticket until a week before we left. Some of the fears I had before leaving, in hindsight, seem a little silly. I remember a long conversation Albert and I had about when he would fly home. He was able to find two different return flights for himself: one that left a full day after my return date, and one that left ten hours before my return date. He was sympathetic to my anxiety about being alone in a foreign country and graciously offered to choose the later flight despite needing to come home earlier to prepare for a move from New York to San Francisco. After a good deal of thought, I told him to go ahead and fly back early rationalizing it as a good way for me to get a taste of solo travelling without too much risk. Had you told me then that I would end up travelling through South America alone for a month after splitting with Albert, I'd have told you to shove it. And yet, that is exactly what happened.
Here I am on the day that Albert and I split up. Initially, Albert was just going to the airport to check prices and I had decided to go to the plaza to start my blog; we were scheduled to meet up here in this Plaza in Cuzco that evening. Albert found a fare that was leaving that night for the right price, so as it turned out, we ended up not meeting up again. But it was fine. I had made the decision to extend my trip already by this point and had already purchased the ticket change. Still, the look you see here on my face is saying "what did I just get myself into...?"

Doubt frequently crept into my mind throughout my adventure and I suspect doubt and fear will be something that I will wrestle with my whole life. The difference now is that I feel strong enough to face those doubts and fears, and now I know the potential reward that lies out there if I can overcome them. Not long after I snapped this photo, I was on a bus driving across Peru to Lake Titicaca. The doubt and fear were quickly pulled off the stage for the next act: awe and amazement.

I am home now. It has been just shy of two weeks since I returned; I am still getting used to not saying "si" and "gracias" to local vendors. The beard and 'stache are gone. As I begin the 31st year of my life, I am full of optimism. Thirty was a turning point in my life, a life with which I was growing increasingly dissatisfied. I sort of knew it as it was happening, but it is only in retrospect that I can say it for sure.

As I reflect on this year of heartaches, joys, and growth, my mother is ever present on my mind. I miss her. In my mind, I like to pretend that when she left, and the little boy in me left too, they went together. I imagine that they are still together sitting in a chair -- just like in the picture. In this fantasy, she would never be lonely wherever she went, because I would always be with her.

Buenos Aires, Buenos Noches...

I´m coming home.

Tonight is my final night in South America. And as I sit and type in this internet cafe in Buenos Aires, I find that I could stay longer... much longer. One month at the time I made my decision to extend my trip seemed like an eternity, but I think I could keep at this for a much longer time. 4 months would have been a good length of time.

But my responsibilities at home beckon and I miss my dad, so I am content with ending this trip tomorrow and am looking forward being back to the good ol´ U.S. of A. But not before enjoying a few last indulgences before I go. Pictured to the left is me smoking a fine Cuban cigar at "La Casa del Habano" on Av Reconquista earlier today. I am a cigar enthusiast and this was my very first Cuban. "Casa del Habano" only sells Cubans... Of the experience, all I can say is... believe the hype. It was a consistent, mellow, delicious smoke; one of the best I´ve ever had and it is not simply because it was a forbidden cigar. I am sure to endulge in another tomorrow before I finally board my plane. I don´t care if I stink.

The final leg of my trip began when I arrived in Buenos Aires about 5 days ago. Thats also about when I stopped losing weight. For most of this trip, I have been eating like a bird (like a loon bird as my sister, T. would put it); I haven´t had much of an appetite. That all ended in BA where I discovered "Bonpler," a panini sandwich fast food place that is only in BA and that I am now hooked on.

Unfortunately, it is exclusive to Argentina, so it is not something I can endulge on in the States. And actually, their portions and prices are very reasonable. This small drink and sandwich pictured above is a regular sized meal; so not exactly the super-sized fries you find at home. But... okay I confess.... there was also a McDonald´s that had free wi-fi across the street from my hostel. Curse you Ronald, your free internet and your hot fudge sundaes!

I was also tipped off by fellow travellers along the way that I would be able to find $10.00 USD steak dinners here, and as promised, I did. Here I am pictured right about to "enjoy" it. What I didn´t eat, I used to patch my shoes. It was disgusting. Rest assured, this is not one of the other indulgences I will be enjoying for the remainder of my trip.

Buenos Aires is a festive city, a sort of "Rio de Janiero lite" I imagine. I didn´t make it up to Brazil this time, but from what I have seen in magazines and t.v., it is sort of like Rio without the transvestites. But it is also a very liveable city and a thriving center for international business. Argentina suffered an economic collapse around the first part of this decade, but despite that, Buenos Aires still exudes the air of a major metropolis with its sky scrapers and streets filled with men and women in suits.

It is also a city teeming with culture. On the street corners and walkways, during most hours of the day, you can find painters and performance artists with their crafts displayed for all to see. I have been on a hunt for art for most of my trip and have found very little art that I was compelled to buy, but in BA, on my first day here, I found a piece that I had to have. Meet the artist: Sergio Hernandez.

Sergio´s fierce self reliance despite his disability was inspiring. I asked him first if it would be okay for me to post this video to my blog and offered to email him a link. He happily obliged and offered his email, but he didn´t even think to just say it to me to write myself. His first instinct was to just write it out for me. Carefully, he grabbed my paper bag with his feet, and with a pencil gripped firmly between his toes, he proceeded to write out his email address, @ symbol and all. Having met Sergio, I will never again in good conscience let myself believe that I have any kind of limitation, because he demonstrated to me that no limitation cannot be overcome.

Buenos Aires is also a major center for Tango culture. Tango is everywhere here, from giant stages, to instructional centers, to street corners. I took in a tango demonstration while in downtown. It was beautiful.

I had planned to take some lessons while here, but I quickly realized two things upon seeing this: 1. I would need a partner, and 2. I was not going to be able to learn the steps in the few days I was here. So I decided to just enjoy it as an observer while here. Perhaps I will find a tango school in Seattle; it could be something I can do if I ever want to be back in South America without actually being here.

Buenos Aires has its share of sights to see. I decided to take a Lonely Planet suggested walking tour at one point. The tour began at a cemetary... Cemetario de la Recoleta. Recoleta is probably the wealthiest neighborhood in BA and it is home to the most important cemetary in Buenos Aires. Here, the wealthy and the elite are laid to rest and the rest of us can gawk at their mausoleums. All joking aside, it was really quite nice; each mausoleum was unique and exquisitely ornate. The cemetary was built in the early 1800's, so there were mausoleums dating back as early as the 1810's. I found one of a man born in 1788 and buried in 1888.

He was born just over a decade after the birth of our nation; he was alive during the time of George Washington. And he lived through the American Civil War. He probably had little or no knowledge of these events while he was alive, but still...

My next stop on the walking tour through Recoleta was this building for an engineering school as an example of Gothic architecture.

The next stop was a mall of interior design which was not worth taking any video of. And finally the tour took me to a very nice art museum. The museum was established by a local artist and was built where this artist´s studio and home were once located. It housed art of South American artists, but mostly of European artists. There was some very nice stuff there; the most famous works that were displayed here were some pieces by Eduardo Manet. However, I was not allowed to take video or photos, so unfortunately, I cannot share any of it with you.

In my own exploration of Buenos Aires, I happened upon Plaza de Mayo at the end of the Av de Mayo.

There was a big church here that I had to go into. My church days are behind me, but I still find myself drawn to churches where I see them, especially Catholic cathedrals, each with opulence worthy of God. They are so ornate; transcendent of anything one man could accomplish. And of course it would be so, as a house built for God would necessarily be so. But what I really love about them is they each give you a sense of the omniscience that God might feel. When the cathedral is looked at as a whole, you are overcome by the magnificence of it all; but then you stop and take a look at each detail and you realize that, while its sum is magnificent, there is also magnificence in its details. You look at the pillars and see entire stories from the bible depicted in engravings. You look at the ceiling, and it is an array of frescoes that could fill a metropolitan museum. Then you look at the mosaics that make up the floor and you are overcome all over again when you see the precision and care it took to hand-make each individual tile. It´s what I imagine it must be like to be God and looking at humanity as a sum and then listening to their individual prayers. Cathedrals are all basically the same, but I still enjoy visiting wherever I encounter them. So I suppose South America was the right place for me...

Entry was saved and restarted 08/04:
The rest of my time in BA was spent just trekking around looking for interesting stuff, and I found quite a bit that I´d like to share, but internet here is not great, so I will have to wait until I get home to post the rest. In fact, over the next few days or weeks, I will be sifting through all of my videos and posting more from what I haven´t already posted to my blog. I´ll also have some final thoughts on my trip and life in general, so check back in a few days for some new content!

Thanks again everyone who followed my blog. It was like I had you there at my side each step of the way. :) And now I am off to have one last Cuban! See you all soon!